do you remember? i don't... it's like i'm feeling in this way since i was born...

my mom gives me pills. They should help me to feel better... to don't hate myself as much as i do now. to come out of this depression... but i cannot pick myself up to take them... it makes me feeling...wrong

i had an idea: nothing could be beautiful than dying in one's favorite country at ones favorite island

...

now, i just need a knife

i write it here, even if nobody is interested

see you in 4 weeks again.
4 weeks without weigh myself.
without barfing.
i hope, i wont get much fatter...

i'll tell you if something really important happens
maybe anybody is interested...

i got fat in the last days.
so fucking fat.
i hate myself
i hate myself sooo much
and the next weeks i'm in croatia... it means bikinis... i want to die!!

 

i promise, i'll try to help you...

There are days, i'm not sad. i'm not happy. i'm just nothing. i cannot say if it is better than cry all the time. because the times you're crying, you know what you feel and what you think and all these things. but when you're so numb, it is like being out of life. like you're an ghost and you're looking at everything and everybody from above. and nobody knows that you're there...

 I hate myself for this day... and the last week. and the week before... i ate and ate and ate and than i ran in my bathroom for the next hour. i always swear that this was the last time... and the next day it is the same again... but...
the next days are going to be better. the next week i wont eat more than i have to! i bet, i'll stand this. i HAVE TO stand it!
i'm so disgusting....

sometimes, i wish, i were beautiful or thin or lovely or smart or just anything. but i'm nothing. i don't live for real. i cannot die. i'm not happy. but i'm even not sad. i'm something between it. i'm a ghost. i'm caught between two worlds. i cannot escape. i have to stay numb. deaf. i hate it. but i cannot cry to show my feelings. i cannot explain them. i'm imprisoned in my own body.

Do you know the feeling, when you look in the mirror and you think, you look okay...an just one second later you sit on the floor and cry and want to die because you are NOT okay, because you are so fucking ugly and fat and disgusting?

 Do you know the strange feeling, when hearing, you look happy, crushes you?

 

You know the moment, when anyone says you look healthy and than you want to die

 

i'm not pretty, i'm not beautiful!!

 

they all were wrong!

what doesnt kill you, doesnt make you stronger!

it fucks you up mentally!!

i am such a fuck!
i cant stand myelf anymore
i hate me so much
i'm eating all the time, im barfing all the time
i have no control anymore
shit!
i'll getting fat!
i AM so fat
please, help me
i want to kill myself
no, dont stop me

i want to kill myelf!

sometimes it feels like it's getting kind of okay, but than there is something that distroyes it

 my therapist says, i'm not anorexic
she says, my weight is still good and healthy
i want to get thinner and thinner, so she knows whats going on in my head, because every fucking day is just one thinking: I WANT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT, I WANT TO BE THINNER THAN HER, I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL, I WANT TO HEAR MY FRIENDS SAYING, I GOT TOO THIN
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK 'healthy' OR 'good"!

i'm broken, i cannot think about anything else than losing weight or looking thin. when i'm happy, i want to be sad again, because being sad is the only thing i know very well, i feel good when i'm sad. i love being sad, because being sad is being me


i know, it sounds stupid...

i woke up, opened my window an a cold wind came into my room
i sat down and cried
i can't stand germany anymore

i hate it so badly

if i wouldn't know that i'm in croatia in a few weeks, i would have killed myself month ago

i can't live here the next years

it kills me

everyday i spend here is wasted

every day i wake up 

i ask myself 

what to do now...

 

to my best friend:

cheer up! i'm there for you! every minute, every second. don't let them push you down!

my parents baned cutting myself
i miss it
i'll start again, at areas they can't see
i need seeing blood
i need having new wounds
i need the pain

i hate it
i hate my body

i hate my face 

i hate my reflection in my mirror

i hate everything about me

i want to die

i just want to fucking die!

 i have no selfcontrol

i'm rubbish

i'm shitty

oh fuuck!

i cried
i cried all the time
for hours

 my mom thinks about put me into psychiatry

but i'm NOT ILL

its so fucking, fucking hard! 

i cant keep standing up every morning, crying because of...everything.