i'm eating so much here.. i'm so scared of weigh myself again in three weeks... but maybe...everything is over than.. maybe that is gonna be the sign, that i have to end it all...for good and all!
Dienstag, 31. Juli 2012
Sonntag, 29. Juli 2012
i got fat!
i dont know my weight now, but i ate PIZZA today and the last week just things like that! i feel it! i perceive the fat when i stand up in the morning. i perceive it while i'm walking. everytime, no matter what i do, i feel that i got bigger...fatter..uglier...
i still have got three weeks here. i'll jog everyday, swim everyday, surf everyday and try to eat as less as i can, everyday. i have to lose weight!!
Mittwoch, 25. Juli 2012
Freitag, 20. Juli 2012
Donnerstag, 19. Juli 2012
Samstag, 14. Juli 2012
There are days, i'm not sad. i'm not happy. i'm just nothing. i cannot say if it is better than cry all the time. because the times you're crying, you know what you feel and what you think and all these things. but when you're so numb, it is like being out of life. like you're an ghost and you're looking at everything and everybody from above. and nobody knows that you're there...
the next days are going to be better. the next week i wont eat more than i have to! i bet, i'll stand this. i HAVE TO stand it!
i'm so disgusting....
Montag, 9. Juli 2012
sometimes, i wish, i were beautiful or thin or lovely or smart or just anything. but i'm nothing. i don't live for real. i cannot die. i'm not happy. but i'm even not sad. i'm something between it. i'm a ghost. i'm caught between two worlds. i cannot escape. i have to stay numb. deaf. i hate it. but i cannot cry to show my feelings. i cannot explain them. i'm imprisoned in my own body.
Sonntag, 8. Juli 2012
Do you know the feeling, when you look in the mirror and you think, you look okay...an just one second later you sit on the floor and cry and want to die because you are NOT okay, because you are so fucking ugly and fat and disgusting?
You know the moment, when anyone says you look healthy and than you want to die