dear ana
youre my best friend
i love you for this thoughts in my head
for the pictures i see every morning
every minute in my life
i love you

but i want to kill you!

i want to die!die!die!

i hate, HATE!!, my therapist! i'm too fat and now she bars me from losing more weight! if i would, she'd call my parents and my psychotherapist, and maybe i'd have to go to an hospital.
i hate them
i hate them so much!!
why don't they let me get thin???

no matter what i write
it's always the same
everyday
it's just the same

i cry. everyday. everynight.
every morning i stand up.
every evening before i go to bed.
i eat to much.
i'm to fat.
i cant stand this anymore

i decided to kill myself.

i will do it! 

it's resolved.

the only thing i haven't clear up yet is, WHEN i'll do it..

as soon as possible

 the only thing i can think is: i want to die! i want to die! i want to die! i want to die!

 i want to fucking DIE!
NOW!
in this moment!
i don't want to live anymore!
LET ME DIE!!!

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
i cannot think about anything other
i weighed 52kg before holidays
now i weigh 56kg
im soooooooooo fucking fat
i want to die

and again i want to be who i have been a few month ago

please, don't try to take my depressions away from me

i don't know who i am without it

don't try to take away my anorexic thinking

it's the only thing i can rely on when i'm down again.. when i cannot rely on anything

don't take away the only thing representing me

i even feel so empty now

had a bad day
couldn't jog because my knee is hurt
couldn't swim because of my knee
couldn't surf...
ate too much and sat a second later in front of the toilett...
tomorrow its getting better...it has to... anytime...

there is one thing, i have to tell you, just three words:

i

fear

life

i cant tell how i feel. you cant understand, how i feel. you dont try. so i'll keep on pretending

i've cut myself
i took my razor and picked it into pieces -i couldn't stand the push to hurt myself anymore. to see the blood... to feel the pain...

i'm getting mad!!! I NEED MY SCALES!!!!!!!!!
i don't now how much fatter i got, i need to control my weight, I NEED TO! i crack up! FUCK!

 i miss it so much... i love croatia, i love surfing and jogging and swimming, but hurting myself is 10 times better than all these things together... i miss the blood...the scars... feeling numb...

i'm eating so much here.. i'm so scared of weigh myself again in three weeks... but maybe...everything is over than.. maybe that is gonna be the sign, that i have to end it all...for good and all!

i got fat!

i dont know my weight now, but i ate PIZZA today and the last week just things like that! i feel it! i perceive the fat when i stand up in the morning.  i perceive it while i'm walking. everytime, no matter what i do, i feel that i got bigger...fatter..uglier...
i still have got three weeks here. i'll jog everyday, swim everyday, surf everyday and try to eat as less as i can, everyday. i have to lose weight!!